3 weeks

Today marks 3 weeks since i have been listed for a double lung transplant. Today is a harder day emotionally for me. I woke up out of a dream where the surgeons were calling me at my old number that I had in high school. In this dream the cops came searching for me trying to locate me. When I finally spoke with the surgeon on the phone (in the dream) he said they found lungs, and needed to know if i accepted them. When I asked him about the lungs he said they were "mediocre". I said "MEDIOCRE?" and i proceeded to tell him how i deserve so much better than that, and i asked the risk of not taking them, and he said, well, another pair may not come. He asked me again "will you accept these lungs?" and then i woke up. It was a horribly uncomfortable dream.
It brought all of my neurotic tendencies to the fore front. Today I called my sister to check to see if the phone numbers were still correct on the list, and i got an anxious feeling about how the new lungs can't come soon enough. I can't complain because I have not been on the list that long, and I have the health right now to be able to sustain, but the urgency of the "what if" really hit me today. It also hit me at the reality that i am truly in this position. So here I am, waiting for my new life to start. I have no control, I have no way to make it come faster. All I can do is wait... try to enjoy my life as it is and WAIT....