Not so fun Sunday

The truth is that i am a sick person. I am not a healthy person. I tend to forget this. Call it eternal optimism, naivete, or just plain denial... but i totally forget this sometimes. I often convince myself that it is a mistake that I am on the transplant list, but today i feel it.
I just feel yucky.
When the weather starts to change from warm to cold my body detests it. My joints ache, i am unable to get warm,lethargic, i get cranky. I have no desire to do anything. My lungs hurt today. My airways are tight, and I just feel a general malaise. This is a drastic change from yesterday. I had fun with my sister, we went out to lunch, sat in the sun, ran errands, went out to dinner... it was a nice day. But i didn't sleep that well last night, and today i woke up with the yuckies. I am thankful that still, even listed, more days are good days then bad days... but bad days like this (when i didn't do the dishes from friday, Casey is cramming to get all his reading done, and it is cold outside) i just don't feel that great. It is days like this that i know i am ready for a change. I can't keep living like this. I can't pull my weight in the household. Everything revolves around the sick girl. And to top it all off i just dropped my snickers on the floor... but i am going to eat it anyway because i haven't had my transplant yet ;)
I also realized the great tragedy that is my life today. I realized that I will never be "well". I might get a transplant and be able to have healthy lungs to go run and jump, and swim with, but i will never not have a disease. I will live my entire life with this disease. I know that I should know this, it is genetic, but still... just the absolute truth that I will never get to be a healthy person sank into my soul today.
Strong women always give the advice that you should never depend on a man. You should always make your own money so you can survive on your own. I will never be able to do this. I will always have dependency one step away from me. It is a very scary world. I need you to support me. I can't support myself. It is extremely humbling. I will always need a doctor, and Casey and my family. I will never be able to do it alone. Now, I need my donor... To help me through this hard time. For me, the strongest I can be is to admit that I need help. It just feels like i am letting the woman's movement down... I am an educated woman, who is in desperate need of support. pretty pathetic if you ask me. But all i can do now is swallow my pride and keep going... i just have to keep on living. I am so grateful for those who support me because I could never do it alone. I would wither into non-existence. It is a hard reality.
But I am opening my arms up right now to welcome my donor and his/her family into my life, now. I think i am truly ready for this gift. I need to make a change. I can't keep living like this....