114

114 days.... The shock of the dry-run is wearing off. The more i talk about it the more the shock goes away. Fear and anxiety has set in a bit. Looking for my optimism. There is a glimmer... but this truly is the hardest thing i have ever had to do. My mind and emotions are taxed today. My brain hurts.

Looking for distractions, but i think i need to be with it instead.

I was asked today if i had three bits of advice for others who are waiting on the transplant list...

Advice? I barely know how to do this myself. I don't know if i am a good example...

1. The thing that keeps me somewhat sane is to TRY to do something normal each day.
2. You also have to stay focused on what you are doing in the moment, even though you want to be doing everything in the world BUT this. Working harder than you ever have in your life, just to maintain to get to the transplant.
3. Being surrounded by your friends and family. They can be there to pull you up and you to pull them up when you or they need it. LOVE IS KEY.

Those are my three things i guess.

Even though it was generally a good day with friends and family, a great lunch, and some fun window shopping, i am emotionally exhausted, sick of this, and not sure what to think.

I have transplant clinic tomorrow...I figure that I will be talking about this dry run experience... asking questions, and looking for answers that may or may not exist. As we head towards the 3rd week of November I can't believe it. I am surrendering, I need to relax... going to try to take a mental vacation.