Monday, September 13, 2010
yuck yuck brain
I am having a yuck yuck brain day... Hope is gone in my brain. I am full of anxieties and yucky thoughts. I am worried the lungs will never come. What if they have to take not so great lungs because they are afraid because there are so few lungs this year? What if the lungs don't work? What if i go through all of this and i don't have a better quality of life? What if i have a lot of complications? I am just in a bad mental space right now. I am freaked if they do come and freaked if they don't. I haven't had this experience much while waiting. Maybe because this means it is coming soon... but what is soon? grrr... I don't like the idea that i am waiting for someone to die. It sounds so horrible. I don't want anyone to die. I don't want to die. BLAH! This transplant thing is getting hard. I know this will pass and i will find hope again, but right now i am just wiggin (for lack of a better word).
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Hey Wiggin' Chick!!!
Seriously -- reign it in a bit if you can!!! From now until, until... until whenever you have one job -- you need to survive until the end of the day and worry about tomorrow tomorrow -- you need to survive until the end of the day and do your bestest to gain a little something -- a little strength, a little weight, a little love or compassion, a little knowledge, a little wisdom, a little something -- and do your bestest not to lose anything (weight, strength, yada yada) and now and then gain a little extra because there WILL be days when you do not make your goal -- when you backpedal a little bit... Focus on NOW and getting through this and give yourself permission not to worry about what's going to happen in the future until it actually presents itself...
And all of your anxieties and yucky thoughts are valid -- but they may not happen, and the really yucky thoughts really have the odds stacked up against them!!! There are trained professionals with a passion for saving YOUR life making decisions about these lungs -- if they decide on "marginal" lungs, their definition of "marginal" will still be good lungs... As for complications and better quality of life -- you may have some struggles -- but you have amazing strength and you'll get through them, even if sometimes you and I don't think we have amazing strength... Remember -- a very strong majority (generally between 80 & 90%) survive longer than a year -- that means they made it, the lungs worked, they survived...
And you're not "waiting for someone to die"... People die every single day -- it's part of life -- the end of life, but it's still part... around 6,000 people die in the United States every single day -- we cannot stop that... You're waiting for some person, and some amazing family -- at a very devastating moment in their lives -- to step back from their own pain for just one moment, and think about people like AnnaBanana and so many others who they may be able to help -- for whom they may be able to pull just a little goodness from this devastating moment and, in the loss of their loved one, choose to allow several other families to have life -- choose to have several other families avoid the darkness they feel at this moment... You're not "waiting for someone to die...", you're waiting for some compassionate family to make a decision that is based on pure goodness...
You take care, Buckaroo -- you're in line and we don't know if the line is long or short, but at the end of the line the reward is freaking amazing -- so just keep your head down and live day to day and grow accustomed and comfortable with the daily routines... And the first time you really break out and RUN -- free -- with no oxygen -- and you run until your legs ache and you notice you're barely breathing -- I want an email telling me what that was like...
You take care, Anna...
Love, Steve
Post a Comment